Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Well, for the first time in about ... oh ... 10 years or so - I have a lack of DRAMA in my life. It's like that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie keeps waking up suddenly and soon realizes that it's because everything is in place and it's just smooth sailing. I watched that episode and thought, "Well, if that were me then I would probably been sleeping like a friggin baby!" But come to find out -- not so much.

I am caught up on my bills
Ben is paying child support on time
My kids are awesome
My energy level is higher

The only thing that has gone on is the air conditioner in my van went out and it will cost $2500 to fix it, but I jokingly suggested to Ben that we should switch vehicles and he totally went for it so I'll soon have a much more reliable and literally 'cooler' car with a whole lot less miles, too.

I have been on such an emotional rollercoaster. I never actually realized how angry or hurt I was until the 2 comments that "anonymous" left about me sounding like I've been hurt and I seem like I'm an unhappy person. Alrighty then! That's what I needed to hear I guess. I have been angry, hurt, depressed, uplifted, down trodden, twisted, jerked around, held upside down, filled with strength, boasting with love, and it's possible that all of those emotions (and even more that I can't think of accurate words for) all happened within the same week. I was tired all the time and that's why. I was jaded by drama. I was trapped under it. For the first time in an actual decade I can breathe. How sad is that? I'm only 27.

So I'm on this journey of self discovery now. I have no idea who I really am outside of my kids and my screwed up "love" life. i don't know simple things. My 'favorite' color, or food, or place to visit. I don't even know how I would decorate my room. What do i like? What colors? What themes? What's my "style"? It's exciting really. I have a lot of friends who have liked the same things for YEARS and when they change it's always such a big deal. But I get to make decisions based on just me. I've been itching for a change and I'm sort of in the middle of one.

I feel torn right now because of the whole 'work' thing. I have no desire to work. I don't want to be away from my kids more than I have to be. I'm frightened that my daughter will have another athesma attack when I'm not there. I do have a prospect of a job in september which is a little exciting. It's only part time, really laid back, 4 or 5 hours a day doing office stuff. To a lot of people i know it doesn't sound like much, but to me it sounds like a perfect fit. I'd be working in the same building as my mom (bonus) and I'd be working with a friend of ours from church too. I got a little too caught up in my future plans there for awhile but then got really down on myself for not knowing where to start and not being as motivated as I thought I should be. The truth is, I am afraid to live by myself again. I am afraid that my ex will work his way back into my life and that ever so familiar cycle will begin all over again. I'm afraid that something will happen to me or my kids and I'll be alone. I like living with my mom and dad because I haven't felt safe in so long and I finally have that feeling back. It gets annoying from time to time, but it's a whole lot different when you WANT to live somewhere as opposed to living somewhere because you HAVE to. I am able to provide my kids with so much more than I would on my own. I am relaxed here and I am getting better at the juggling act because I have back up.

Whenever I get worked up about something and start to feel anxious I try to remind myself to give it to God. I pray about it. I admit what I'm scared or nervous about. I talk it out in prayer and sometimes i discover more information than I was ready for. God says to give it to him and put your trust in Him so I do. And you know what -- He has yet to fail me. I have decided to not get all worked up over my decisions for my future because I believe God will provide for me. I make myself available to follow His instruction and I stay in constant communication with Him. He has gotten me this far and for the most part i have bounced back from every wrong turn I've ever made.

I hope to not sound unhappy or hurt anymore. I hope to not sound like someone who has been beaten by life. Instead, I hope to be an inspiration to women who feel stuck or frustrated because of their own circumstances. I hope to lend insight into how to confront strenuous situations with a positive spirit and how to look to God for everything.

"To God be the glory. Great things he hath done."