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Friday, October 10, 2008

baby's birthday

My baby girl is a year old today.

I have never been so happy yet so sad before.

She is my 3rd and my last baby and every 'first' she has is the 'last' time I'll celebrate it - at least with my own kids.



She is a dynamic little girl to say the least!

She is a screamer, a climber, a trouble maker, a fit thrower, a tantrum GURU, a smiler, a laugher, a genius, a tomboy, a rough -n- tumbler, a beauty, a dreamer - She is a great sleeper, a good eater, a tough little baby sister, independent, strong willed, hard headed, DID I SAY INDEPENDENT? She is NOT a cuddler (no matter how hard we try!) Claire Faith is everything my other 2 children are not, but at the same time she is everything that they are as well. Between the 3 of them I have experienced such joy and completion in my life. I have been overwhelmed by emotion because of them ranging from absolute bliss to absolute distress :O)


I've never understood what exactly love is. Truth be told - I am not convinced I never really was IN love with my husband (that felt good to admit) because I wasn't willing to take the good with the bad all the time everyday for as long as we both shall live. I loved him, yes, and I always will have love for him because he is the father of my kids. I am IN love with my children. They come first before everything but God, their happiness is my top priority, their needs are met before my own, I feel the most happy when I see them smile, hear their laughter, and feel their hugs. There's nothing in this world like being a mommy and I feel blessed that God gave me 3 of the most beautifully perfect gifts. What an honor!



♥HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLAIRE BEAR♥

love, mommy

Monday, September 15, 2008

"When 2 people love eachother ..."

Can I just start out by saying that I have had my 'AHA MOMENT' for the month, please?

How many generations have wanted to improve on the child rearing techniques that molded them into who they've become? I am dead set on cracking the code to raising good citizens. Not that my parents did anything 'wrong' per se' - it's more about how times have changed between 'way back when' and my childhood, and then from my childhood to now.

The biggest subject road block? Sex. Well, for boys the conversation should be about sex (sidebar: I will be the first one to tell my son that girls have periods so he's going to want to stay away from them ...lol but for real - boys need to be taught that NO MEANS NO early on)

For girls I don't think the problems are with the sex conversation. I think it's all in presentation.
If parents tell their daughters that they need to wait to have sex until they are in love (preferably married, but we live in the real world here) then as soon as a boy says, "but I love you" how is she going to handle this? When little girls ask where babies come from and parents respond, "when a mommy and a daddy love eachother ..." then she's going to think that you can only get pregnant when you're married.

It's just a thought I've been mulling over in my head for a couple weeks. We are a new generation of moms. I think we can try a little harder to be involved in our children's cultures and subcultures so that we know what we're up against. As unpleasant as it might seem, i think it's a necessity.

Monday, August 4, 2008

What's up with self destruction?

I am just wondering why we feel the need to self destruct or cause ourselves to stumble. I'm speaking as though I'm not the only person who does this. I know it's not just a girl thing like a lot of my other 'issues' and I know that it is almost unconscience.

As SOON as I'm aware of the fact that I have to heavy drama hanging over my head I start to doubt myself. I don't know where it came from. I don't know why it felt so strong. It is very unnerving (sp?) and a little upsetting though. To catch up on what's gone down: My year long up and down rollercoaster ride finally decided to level off. I get my head (and my heart) wrapped around the fact that I am ending a chapter in my life and what happens? BOOM! I feel like I'm making a big mistake. I get this very uneasy feeling of, "What have I done to my kids!?" I really start reflecting on things. I see every mistake that I made in that relationship and how it is directly related to every mistake HE made. Then the drama queen side of me came into play. Then, my dear friend that has been on my side since we were like 7 steps up and tells me the ONE thing nobody else would say. Basically put, she says I'm probably doing it to myself and I'm just not used to being drama free or standing still. I wanted to respond right away and say, "NO! It's much stronger than that. This is something serious!" But instead, my computer shut down on me. (That's an example of God working his mysterious ways) I pray somemore, I chill some more. I clear my head of everything negative.

So this is where I am 48 hours later: A) I just wanna thank her for being a real friend and telling me exactly what was up. B) I realize now that even IF my mistakes are directly related to HIS mistakes, it doesn't mean that all should be forgotten. Forgiven, yes. The bigger issue here is that since I'm human I am going to continue to make mistakes, and if his response to my making mistakes is to make more mistakes then we're just not compatible. C) Yes, I see my parents and how their marriage works and I may not agree with some of what goes on, I see how they compliment eachother. I don't like how passive my mom is sometimes, but that's just who she is and it doesnt phase her like it phases me. She compliments my dad's stubbornness just like when she gets into a confrontational mood my dad compliments that by taking on an understanding manner and just walking away. If that were my marriage I wouldn't let him get away with trying to be a dictator, and if I were in a confrontational mood he would have been combative right back. Therefore, we would be right back where we started and who needs that!

Here is my next delimma - If girls are supposed to be attracted to men who are just like their fathers, and I am just like my father, how am I supposed to make that relationship work? My dad and I bump heads all the time over things because we're both very stubborn and a little self absorbed at times. Not to mention we both think we're right about a lot of stuff and we DON'T like to be challenged. Is that theory true ALL THE TIME?

Ok Gina ~ answer away! lol

I would just like to leave on this note - NOBODY NEEDS PEOPLE TO TELL THEM THEY ARE RIGHT ALL THE TIME. I TRY TO BE AN 'ON CALL' SORT OF FRIEND. AN 'EMERGENCY CONTACT PERSON" IF YOU WILL. I WILL ALWAYS BE READY TO LEND A SHOULDER OR AN EAR, BUT ALLOW MY FRIENDS TO TALK THEMSELVES THROUGH THEIR OWN PROBLEMS. I WILL, HOWEVER, ASSUME THE RESPONSIBILITY OF GRABBING THE BACK OF THEIR PANTS WHEN I SEE THEM ABOUT TO JUMP OFF A CLIFF. I AM VERY GREATFUL FOR MY ON-CALL FRIENDS AND FEEL BLESSED TO KNOW THEY HAVE MY BACK WHEN I NEED TO BE SAVED FROM MYSELF. LOVE YOU!!



Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Well, for the first time in about ... oh ... 10 years or so - I have a lack of DRAMA in my life. It's like that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie keeps waking up suddenly and soon realizes that it's because everything is in place and it's just smooth sailing. I watched that episode and thought, "Well, if that were me then I would probably been sleeping like a friggin baby!" But come to find out -- not so much.

I am caught up on my bills
Ben is paying child support on time
My kids are awesome
My energy level is higher

The only thing that has gone on is the air conditioner in my van went out and it will cost $2500 to fix it, but I jokingly suggested to Ben that we should switch vehicles and he totally went for it so I'll soon have a much more reliable and literally 'cooler' car with a whole lot less miles, too.

I have been on such an emotional rollercoaster. I never actually realized how angry or hurt I was until the 2 comments that "anonymous" left about me sounding like I've been hurt and I seem like I'm an unhappy person. Alrighty then! That's what I needed to hear I guess. I have been angry, hurt, depressed, uplifted, down trodden, twisted, jerked around, held upside down, filled with strength, boasting with love, and it's possible that all of those emotions (and even more that I can't think of accurate words for) all happened within the same week. I was tired all the time and that's why. I was jaded by drama. I was trapped under it. For the first time in an actual decade I can breathe. How sad is that? I'm only 27.

So I'm on this journey of self discovery now. I have no idea who I really am outside of my kids and my screwed up "love" life. i don't know simple things. My 'favorite' color, or food, or place to visit. I don't even know how I would decorate my room. What do i like? What colors? What themes? What's my "style"? It's exciting really. I have a lot of friends who have liked the same things for YEARS and when they change it's always such a big deal. But I get to make decisions based on just me. I've been itching for a change and I'm sort of in the middle of one.

I feel torn right now because of the whole 'work' thing. I have no desire to work. I don't want to be away from my kids more than I have to be. I'm frightened that my daughter will have another athesma attack when I'm not there. I do have a prospect of a job in september which is a little exciting. It's only part time, really laid back, 4 or 5 hours a day doing office stuff. To a lot of people i know it doesn't sound like much, but to me it sounds like a perfect fit. I'd be working in the same building as my mom (bonus) and I'd be working with a friend of ours from church too. I got a little too caught up in my future plans there for awhile but then got really down on myself for not knowing where to start and not being as motivated as I thought I should be. The truth is, I am afraid to live by myself again. I am afraid that my ex will work his way back into my life and that ever so familiar cycle will begin all over again. I'm afraid that something will happen to me or my kids and I'll be alone. I like living with my mom and dad because I haven't felt safe in so long and I finally have that feeling back. It gets annoying from time to time, but it's a whole lot different when you WANT to live somewhere as opposed to living somewhere because you HAVE to. I am able to provide my kids with so much more than I would on my own. I am relaxed here and I am getting better at the juggling act because I have back up.

Whenever I get worked up about something and start to feel anxious I try to remind myself to give it to God. I pray about it. I admit what I'm scared or nervous about. I talk it out in prayer and sometimes i discover more information than I was ready for. God says to give it to him and put your trust in Him so I do. And you know what -- He has yet to fail me. I have decided to not get all worked up over my decisions for my future because I believe God will provide for me. I make myself available to follow His instruction and I stay in constant communication with Him. He has gotten me this far and for the most part i have bounced back from every wrong turn I've ever made.

I hope to not sound unhappy or hurt anymore. I hope to not sound like someone who has been beaten by life. Instead, I hope to be an inspiration to women who feel stuck or frustrated because of their own circumstances. I hope to lend insight into how to confront strenuous situations with a positive spirit and how to look to God for everything.

"To God be the glory. Great things he hath done."

Thursday, June 12, 2008

why have illegal immigrants?

I was born to 2 baby boomers who got to experience the true "Change" that paved the way for me to be able to succeed in every sense of the word. Since they had virtually done all the work, I was raised thinking that opportunities had just always been available. So naive, innocent, and spoiled spoiled spoiled! I was brought up being told to dream big and to not be afraid of setting goals as opposed to my mother who was part of the "Don't learn too much cuz you're just gonna be a mother and wife someday" generation. She started this revolution of sorts in American culture. She and my dad both continued to move forward by telling my brother and me it was OK to lay my own brick in the road of change for society as we know it. I took American History in high school but it was all about the PAST. "Who cares?" I thought. "Yeah, it sucked back then, but I've got my own goals to look forward too." I was not the only one of my generation to feel this way. Our parents were looking at us like they had done this incredible thing for us (which they had) but since I wasn't around "back then" I didn't appreciate it.


Now we are starting to see the magnitude of their achievements because the reality is that we children of the "boomers" had been complacent. Lacking motivation and the drive to work hard, earn little, LEARN a lot. We just want(ed) to be handed success on a silver platter. Menial labor jobs were pretty much out of the question after the age of 18 if you finished high school. A disappointing number of my generation dropped out of high school because they were itching to be on their own and make their own decisions Our parents had told us we "Could do whatever and succeed" and we heard so much about this "land of opportunity" too. So, with stroked egos and inflated heads we left the nest only to fall flat on our faces. Instead of growing up in the town of Rock Bottom-ville and pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps like the generation before us, we had to land ... hard ... maybe a couple times there before we realized work was involved in the dream achieving business.

The fact is, we were born and raised with strength and ability embedded in our DNA. Society had changed for us and we really did have the elusive "American Dream" handed to us on a silver platter. (We just usually tried to pawn that silver platter for money so that we could avoid work for a little longer haha) Most of us cannot relate to honestly having nothing. We can't imagine not being able to drive, go out to eat, or partake in available entertainment. We don't understand what it's like to want to be somewhere so badly, and to get our hands on a piece of the "Happiness" pie, but know full well that we are not welcome and could be forced back to where we came from.

What's the biggest question here, really. We know that illegal immigrants don't come all the way to foreign territory where they are not allowed to be without being more than willing to pull their own weight here. They try to prove that they can really make it worth our while to accept them. Businesses love them because they understand if they don't work they don't get paid. Laziness is not in their vocabulary. In short, they are valuable assets to us. Naturally, they are taking all this risk and working this hard for a reason. They want to work, get paid by American business owners, and then send American money back home. Now the American economy is suffering because there is more money going out than coming in.


Never mind the fact that factories of all sorts are hiring 3rd world countries to work for them and paying them very little LEGALLY. Paying good money for materials to be shipped out, put together, then shipped back on America's dime. But then when illegal immigrants are willing to literally put their lives on the line to come to us, we all of a sudden forget that our own Lady Liberty says, "Bring us your poor, your huddled masses, Yearning to be free." It is so hard to get their papers or work visas or whatever, and they come all the way here but then are not able to get bank accounts, insurance, drivers licenses, social security cards, etc. They find someone to sell a mobile home for cash or rent an apartment with no credit check needed. They have now become targets for greedy American criminals who know these poor people have cash in their homes and can't call the police because they'll get deported. THEN when they try to protect themselves and their families they get labeled as a hostile people. Sounds like some Americans have become a little TOO judgemental.

It seems to me that the best all around solution to this economic dilemma is this: Let them come. If someone WANTS to come to America to better themselves and their families then why not? If their whole purpose for coming here is to take care of their families, isn't that an example we want our children to see? If the problem is them working and then sending our money away then let them bring their families here so that they're not having to send money anywhere. If they do want to send money to their families that wont to come to America then put some sort of tax on that if you have to, but don't make it illegal for them to neglect their own.

Next, pay them what they're worth and give them benefits too. Give them the option of either getting more money in their checks or getting health insurance for themselves and their dependents. If they are able to get insurance then they wouldn't avoid seeing doctors for fear of deportation, and they would be able to work longer. If we took the time to say, "Hey, we value you and accept you and we need you to do us a favor, Spend your money here in this country so that we can continue to offer you and your family the amenities we have available for productive U.S. citizens, OK?" Take the time to teach them how the economy works and what a pivotal role they play as a whole.

There is so much emphasis put on taking leaps as individuals toward success rather than everyone taking baby steps together. Have you ever tried to walk up an endless flight of stairs by yourself? Don't you think it would be easier to climb if you had someone willing to lend you some support in your moments of weakness and vice versa? This is not rocket science. We have become a nation of narrow minded people in a rat race towards an alter to worship the almighty dollar. Concerned with who is going to get there first rather than how many people will get there total. The harder we fight to make money the lower the value of a dollar falls.

It seems to me that Satan himself is holding a wad of cash in his fist like that stuffed rabbit on that pole in dog races. Those dogs run their hearts out and run over anything or anyone in their way trying to get that darn rabbit, but little do they know it won't happen. Coincidence? I don't think so. Money truly is the root of all evil. I am in constant amazement of how God's word speaks to us on so many levels and proves to be true and valid over and over again. I'm comforted by the fact that He knew what trials we would be facing and provided us with an actual operator's manual for reference purposes.

When did he outgrow the hangers?!

Today I was doing my family's laundry (all 7 loads-UGH) when I got hit with one of those "Wait a second" moments. You know those moments when you think you have been pretty aware of your surroundings and then all of a sudden, "Wait a second, this is new ..."

I finally separated my 8 year old son's clothes to see what all he needed for summer and possibly next school year when I decide to take the initiative to hang the collared button up shirts in the closet and fold the tee shirts that still fit and store them *neatly* in the dresser. I weeded out about a third of his clothes all together, but when I went to hang up the dress shirts - his hangers were too small! Now, granted, these are the same small blue and white hangers I had bought to go with his "Bob the Builder" motif 5 years ago and they just happen to match his current "Transformer" theme too. His size 3T shirts looked so cute hanging up in his closet like a big boy. 4T, 5,6,7,8-10 - They had been working just fine. He's very broad and has always looked like a miniature body builder with his bulk and square shoulders. Now he's almost 9 years old and wearing size 12 shirts. He no longer just looks like a big boy, he IS a big boy.

It just happens so fast. One day he's saying, "Mommy, I love you." Then the next thing you know, "What a second," He just called me 'MOM.'

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Single Mom's have help!

There's help. Who knew?
I got a bulletin on myspace from a friend I went to highschool with who is also a single mother (she has FOUR though). She found a website designed to help single mothers financially, emotinonally, and it's full of advice for anyone with children no matter what their relationship status is. Check it out and pass it on ...

It's http://singlemomsresource.org/